Monday, May 16, 2005
Why dog stew?
Before this blogs grows into some amorphous creature that belongs in an unattended vegetable drawer deep in the bowels of a forgotten fridge, I will start with a mission statement. To wit:
FOOD SHOULD BE FUN
It should go without saying that I include alcohol and any other ingestible item that doesn't kill you. In fact, I will include a few that do kill, as long as the trip was worth it. A whole category called "Food to Die For." Again, it should go without saying...but, it doesn't. Years in Asia have taught me, food in the West is no longer fun. A brief list of the main killjoys of Western cuisine:
1- Politics
I'm really sorry about this whale on my plate, but I didn't kill it, it's already dead, and it would be a shame to die for nothing, and...hey, wait a second...it tastes like steak! Let's kill another!
If not whales, who some people consider to be smarter than humans, and certainly cuter (might explain the obesity trend), then it will be another food that is politically BAD. Tuna is BAD, because it kills dolphins, which are GOOD, and also smarter and cuter than humans. Beef is BAD because each hamburger you eat destroys 55 square feet of irreplaceable rain forest, even if you skip the cheese. I don't know, but this is what I am told by vegetarians. Maybe the hamburgers you don't eat are out planting rubber trees. And forget about switching to hot dogs, they are almost as BAD. And don't forget, rain forests are smarter and cuter than humans, too. Which brings me to the fauna lovers....
2- Vegetarians
If this is your moral code, fine, but keep it to yourself. It is more often a way to distinguish an indistinguishable life, and to provide a cheap sense of moral superiority over the working class. And it is terrifically annoying to go to any restaurant with these people. The owner, the chef, the waiter, in fact, the whole world must stop and take notice that a superior vegetarian person has arrived and demands to be catered to like an MTV diva on holiday. They cannot come to terms with the awareness that other things must die so that we may live (and live well). That they kill thousands of bacteria every time they brush their teeth bother them not a bit. Bacteria are not, in their book, smarter and cuter than humans. The fact that a population of them equivalent to that of China can live on your tongue without even drawing attention to themselves might argue otherwise.
3- Diets
Nothing quite so graceless as a bovine-sized restaurant customer demanding low fat milk for their coffee - this after finishing a 5lb lobster with a tub of drawn butter, and a healthy salad buried under a creamy dressing. Rather than simply enjoying good food, the Dieter tortures himself with creamless ice-cream, unfried french fries, and 100% lean (read: shoe sole) meats. Since none of these taste quite like they should, and since they are "low calorie," the dieter compensates by eating more. A lot more. They will look at their dinner companion, enjoying a scoop of double chocolate ice cream, and wonder how that person can keep so trim. The answer, should one be so bold as to say, is that a quart of low-fat ice cream is still a quart of ice cream. Eat well, eat less.
4- New Health Studies
Hardly a day goes by that a new food isn't demonized by a new study at some university. Since most of us haven't a clue what was involved in the study, or what the resulting statistics actually siginify, we just take the word of the reporter, who is also clueless but writes for a newspaper and is thus reliable. This crosses over into diet territory, and explains why someone would order a decaf cafe latte with low fat milk and artificial sweetener, which is like kissing through cellophane wrap.
5- Snobs
Those who disguise their discomfort with food, or themselves, by pretending to be worldy. Just dare to say that you are enjoying a rose wine, that you prefer your fish cooked, or that you want your sake chilled, and they will be ready to pounce. They will also be wrong. Mediocre restaurateurs have made great names and great fortunes for themselves by catering to just this crowd. They have also caused less pretentious people to shy away from trying foods they might enjoy to avoid embarrassment.
6- Super-sizers
It should be obvious, but more does not mean better. There is nothing appealling about a heap of food on ones plate in any country where starvation is unheard of. The only way one can have a balanced diet with a 1 pound burger is by eating a full head of broccoli along with it. The excess means that there are fewer foods to be enjoyed. It is also the reason why we need low-fat versions of food that would be just fine if eaten in moderation.
FOOD SHOULD BE FUN
It should go without saying that I include alcohol and any other ingestible item that doesn't kill you. In fact, I will include a few that do kill, as long as the trip was worth it. A whole category called "Food to Die For." Again, it should go without saying...but, it doesn't. Years in Asia have taught me, food in the West is no longer fun. A brief list of the main killjoys of Western cuisine:
1- Politics
I'm really sorry about this whale on my plate, but I didn't kill it, it's already dead, and it would be a shame to die for nothing, and...hey, wait a second...it tastes like steak! Let's kill another!
If not whales, who some people consider to be smarter than humans, and certainly cuter (might explain the obesity trend), then it will be another food that is politically BAD. Tuna is BAD, because it kills dolphins, which are GOOD, and also smarter and cuter than humans. Beef is BAD because each hamburger you eat destroys 55 square feet of irreplaceable rain forest, even if you skip the cheese. I don't know, but this is what I am told by vegetarians. Maybe the hamburgers you don't eat are out planting rubber trees. And forget about switching to hot dogs, they are almost as BAD. And don't forget, rain forests are smarter and cuter than humans, too. Which brings me to the fauna lovers....
2- Vegetarians
If this is your moral code, fine, but keep it to yourself. It is more often a way to distinguish an indistinguishable life, and to provide a cheap sense of moral superiority over the working class. And it is terrifically annoying to go to any restaurant with these people. The owner, the chef, the waiter, in fact, the whole world must stop and take notice that a superior vegetarian person has arrived and demands to be catered to like an MTV diva on holiday. They cannot come to terms with the awareness that other things must die so that we may live (and live well). That they kill thousands of bacteria every time they brush their teeth bother them not a bit. Bacteria are not, in their book, smarter and cuter than humans. The fact that a population of them equivalent to that of China can live on your tongue without even drawing attention to themselves might argue otherwise.
3- Diets
Nothing quite so graceless as a bovine-sized restaurant customer demanding low fat milk for their coffee - this after finishing a 5lb lobster with a tub of drawn butter, and a healthy salad buried under a creamy dressing. Rather than simply enjoying good food, the Dieter tortures himself with creamless ice-cream, unfried french fries, and 100% lean (read: shoe sole) meats. Since none of these taste quite like they should, and since they are "low calorie," the dieter compensates by eating more. A lot more. They will look at their dinner companion, enjoying a scoop of double chocolate ice cream, and wonder how that person can keep so trim. The answer, should one be so bold as to say, is that a quart of low-fat ice cream is still a quart of ice cream. Eat well, eat less.
4- New Health Studies
Hardly a day goes by that a new food isn't demonized by a new study at some university. Since most of us haven't a clue what was involved in the study, or what the resulting statistics actually siginify, we just take the word of the reporter, who is also clueless but writes for a newspaper and is thus reliable. This crosses over into diet territory, and explains why someone would order a decaf cafe latte with low fat milk and artificial sweetener, which is like kissing through cellophane wrap.
5- Snobs
Those who disguise their discomfort with food, or themselves, by pretending to be worldy. Just dare to say that you are enjoying a rose wine, that you prefer your fish cooked, or that you want your sake chilled, and they will be ready to pounce. They will also be wrong. Mediocre restaurateurs have made great names and great fortunes for themselves by catering to just this crowd. They have also caused less pretentious people to shy away from trying foods they might enjoy to avoid embarrassment.
6- Super-sizers
It should be obvious, but more does not mean better. There is nothing appealling about a heap of food on ones plate in any country where starvation is unheard of. The only way one can have a balanced diet with a 1 pound burger is by eating a full head of broccoli along with it. The excess means that there are fewer foods to be enjoyed. It is also the reason why we need low-fat versions of food that would be just fine if eaten in moderation.
